LinkedIn Kundli Stalking™
Trust, but verify their job title. Then verify again in Incognito Mode. Then quietly screenshot their “humbled and grateful” post for the group chat.
Ancient Vedic Technology, Now on LinkedIn.
Six pillars of astrology, none of which our astrologers will explain to you in detail, or to HR.
Career Nakshatra Detector
Humble-Brag Deep Scan
Reads every 'thrilled and humbled to announce' post, every 'grateful for this opportunity' caption. Cross-referenced against 700 known Rahu-in-the-tenth-house RSU vesting patterns.
Real-Time Kundli GPS Alignment
Silent Profile-View Tracking
Know exactly who viewed your profile in Incognito Mode at 2:47 AM IST, and why they still haven't messaged back.
Photo-Based Face Reading
Engagement Pattern Analysis
Our certified astrologers manually review every 'Congrats on the promotion!' comment for compatibility. And other things. Mostly other things.
Voice Frequency Nakshatra Analysis
Posting-Time Extraction
Every 3 AM IST reply-guy comment, every mid-standup humble-brag, logged, timestamped, and cross-tabulated against your own posting schedule.
Astral Career-Transit Recording
'Open to Work' Status Alerts
We notify you the instant their banner turns green, purely for your professional network's spiritual safety.
Auto-Approved Compatibility
Zero Connection Request Required
No InMail, no permission popup, no awkward 'why are we connected' conversation. Just pure, dharmic, non-consensual profile analytics.
Free Trial Scan
Run a Compatibility Check on Their Profile
No mutual connection required. No InMail credits spent. Just pure, unverified astrological confidence.
Choose Your Surveillance Plan
Cancel anytime. They won't know either way.
Basic Nakshatra
- Humble-brag post scan only
- Weekly compatibility PDF
- One (1) plausible 'we're just connections' denial included
Premium Rashi
- Everything in Basic
- Live profile-view + 'Open to Work' alerts
- Priority astrologer (ex-recruiter, H-1B verified)
- Same-day dosha alerts on their new job title
Ultimate Gotra Surveillance
- Everything in Premium
- Always-on comment-section monitoring
- Full mutual-connections infiltration
- Their manager's profile included, free of charge
Families Who Verified First
“Found out my cousin's 'Senior Director' title was actually 'Senior Director, Interim, Unpaid.' Kundli confirmed: not compatible with the biodata.”
“The app said Manglik Dosha. His profile said 'Open to Work' since March. I know which one I trust.”
“We were told it was 'ancient Vedic technology.' Our HR department says it's a lot of other things. We're keeping it anyway.”
LinkedIn Kundli Stalking™ is a satirical astrology product and does not actually access anyone's profile, view history, or job status. Real profile surveillance is a LinkedIn ToS violation and a deeply unhinged use of Incognito Mode — this page exists to make fun of the people who'd use it, not to be it.
Ready to trust, then verify their tenth-house RSUs?
Every plan comes with a free astrological chart and an uncomfortably accurate profile-view history.
Already have two candidates in mind? Skip the spyware and run our Compatibility Calculator instead.